"When your child comes to you and says they don't feel good, you remain calm and ask them what's wrong. When you have a child with a food allergy, your heart stops."
Last night I was cleaning the house and went to put something back in Addison's room. She was already asleep. Normal night, came home from ballet, had a snack, brushed teeth, read a story and went right to bed. I noticed her stirring. I walked over to see her better in the dark and realized she had just thrown up on herself. Wasn't a ton, but nonetheless how odd that she would not be up and complaining of a stomach ache first - and how odd that she was acting perfectly normal and full of energy right before bed? I am immediately in the "mother of a child with a food allergy panic". I don't show it, but I am always panicking in these situations. I helped her sit up and my eyes immediately looked where her vomit had touched her skin. Sure enough it was very red, itchy and irritated.
Allergic reaction.
I try to stay calm. Carry her to the bathroom. First protocol is to get this off of her and fast. Talking soothingly, asking her my huge list of specific questions so I can get inside her head on what she is feeling without relaying my panic. The sweet little thing is actually in the tub thanking me for taking such good care of her as I send Justin running downstairs to check the list I just gave him of everything she ate that afternoon and right before bed. I know everything that enters this child's system. I have to. I always remember what she had.
We check labels like fanatics, even on things we know to be safe. You never know, recipes change, facilities begin to manufacture other things. However, it is too easy to be in a rush, grab a trusted product, do the quick label scan (double check that the allergen listed in bold at the end of the ingredients is not one that will harm Addison) and then away you go assuming that nothing has changed. Little do you know, you missed fine print at the bottom that says "processed in a facility that also handles peanut butter". That would be me. I bought pretzels that were processed in a facility that handled peanut butter. I missed that on the label. Justin ran back up to tell me. Worst feeling ever. I thought they were the ones I always bought, the ones she loved. The ones I specifically bought for her. How could I have made this mistake??
I take her out of the tub, get her in pajamas and take her downstairs. Immediate dose of Benedryl and fingers crossed that her stomach keeps it down without any issues. Normally it does fine if she has already gotten rid of what was bothering her. We decide to do a breathing treatment in hopes of warding off breathing issues to come. Her last nut encounter (thank God there has only been one other) the breathing trouble began about 1 1/2 hrs later as the allergist (thank God again) predicted and I was already on the road to their office, which is part of the hospital. The last thing I want to have to do is use the Epipen Jr. if I can safely avoid it. She calmed down and fell back asleep on the couch with Justin and I. We took her up to our bed and I spent the entire night with my ear pressed against her small, fragile back - just listening. Listening to her breathe. Listening for any beginning signs of trouble, anything that sounded like last time when our allergist had me put my ear to her and listen so that I would know. Epipen Jr. next to me on the nightstand.
Food allergies suck.
Addison is allergic to dairy, eggs and nuts. I assume all nuts, but she has for sure been confirmed with pine nuts and peanuts. Nothing airborne that we know of. Otherwise this kid is a picture of perfect health. She beats colds faster than any of us, eats more vegetables than any kid I've ever met. Her diet is very rich because we have been forced to find healthy alternative options. In many ways, it has made us a healthier family as most processed foods she can not have.
I had a very mild intolerance to wheat and dairy as a child that I later outgrew, but nothing like what we are dealing with. I had heard of people who's children were severely allergic to peanuts, felt for them and wondered why in the world so many children are ending up like this now?? Peanut free tables? Peanut free rooms? Never thought mine would be one of them. We always ate pretty healthy, tried not to put bad things in our systems. I breastfed her exclusively (she literally probably ingested 2 bottles of formula, if that, her entire infancy). Where does this come from?? I have my suspicions with GMO products and sickening things that I do not care to get into here. Things that while we try to avoid, still sometimes seem so far out of our control and the more you learn, the more disturbing and distressed you feel. She goes in for her yearly blood work soon. We will see where we stand.
This year has been especially trying for me as she began preschool. I used to work part time when she was very young, but she stayed with my sister during those hours and I knew I could trust her to take great care of her and be on top of the allergies. I send her food with her everywhere, we do not take chances. People mean well, but so many things can be innocently overlooked and it is just not worth it to us.
I had a talk with the preschool staff and gave them an Epipen Jr to keep, allergies and usual reactions all written down. I send her own snack each day, get creative with party foods that she can eat on the day they have celebrations. Her most favorite days are when we have volunteered to bring in snack for the class. She gets to be like everyone else. She gets to be "Child of the Day", stand in the front of the line, etc. It's so sweet. Still, I walk away everyday just hoping and praying that she'll stay safe, that no other parent will forget that it is a nut free classroom, that she won't have any problems. When she gets older I think some of this will subside. She'll know to wash the peanut butter that she accidentally got on her hand off right away. She'll know more about how it works. But for now, it's nerve racking.
She AMAZES me with her confidence and self restrain when it comes to this topic. I always tell her that God gave her a special belly. I heard her tell our neighbor that once and it made me smile. She knows not to eat any food offered to her before asking first. I watch her do this even with the most tempting of foods. I love her dearly for this.
I unfortunately had to have a serious conversation with her preschool teacher, because she brought home a craft that used dairy containing foods. Thankfully, as long as she doesn't eat them this only usually causes a few hives and itching - but still. If she wasn't so amazing and had popped a few cheesy goldfish in her mouth like the kid next to her did - we would have some problems. I picked her up from class and was told that she had also made a snowman with marshmallows and frosting and they "weren't sure if she could have the frosting, so they let her make it, but not eat it". Terrifying. Thankfully, it was the brand she could have. Thankfully, this child of three years frosted an entire marshmallow snowman without licking her fingers or eating it like the rest of the class until I gave her the ok to eat it on the way home. People do not understand (although after our talk, I know her teachers do now!!). I always offer to bring in her craft supplies involving food if they tell me in advance. I WILL DO THE FOOTWORK, I WILL MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU - JUST TELL ME, PLEASE DON'T EVER ASSUME. Her school has been wonderful about this ever since.
I try not to get too upset about the mindset of people not understanding. I probably wouldn't have given it much thought before Addison. However, there is nothing more terrifying and infuriating than someone who does not take a food allergy seriously when you know it could cost your child their life. Their life. Let me say this once more, their LIFE.
If you take anything away from this post, please make sure you pay attention to the children in your life with food allergies as well as the children that your children encounter with food allergies at school. Be considerate of them. They did not wake up that day with the intent of making your life hard. Put yourselves in their shoes for a minute. Imagine your child having that reaction. Imagine your anxiety being a parent of that child. It can be as simple as teaching your child to wash their hands after they eat or wiping down your small children's hands when they are finished. Then others don't have to wonder what food ended up smeared on the monkey bars or toys that your child could come into contact with.
Be informed and be aware. If it means you can't pack one ingredient in your child's lunches for the school year, that's not so bad. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with your ear against your child's back, just listening to them breathe...
It sucks, it is inconvenient for everyone around, but it's reality. And might I add, a child's life is well worth the minor inconveniences. I don't expect the world to be nut-free. I just expect that where young children are involved, people can act responsibly.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Parenting as a Unit
Parenting as a unit. It's not what I want to do, but sometimes feel forced into. As the twins get older I am trying very hard to break out of parenting them as a unit. It is hard.
I think this whole feeling started growing in me more recently, when we hit the age where the boys now have a stronger preference for things - although really it has been an issue that bothered me all along. Looking back, it didn't always turn out to be a bad thing, but nonetheless it was still there.
When they were younger, I would always tell Justin "It would be so much easier if I could just let the baby be "the baby"". It is so easy (although well meant I know) for someone to say, "just put one of them down and make them wait". That person has clearly never had infant twins. To make a 2yr old or older sibling "just wait" is a feasible option. Sure, they might get upset - but they are old enough to play on their own or even tune into a cartoon if need be. They can understand the words "just a minute". They can even understand the concept for the most part, that the baby has certain needs because they are in fact "the baby". Try telling that to another infant. At least I can say for my boys, that from the time they were born I could not settle one down if the other one was screaming bloody murder in the bouncy seat on the floor. I couldn't even nurse one if that was happening, nor put them back to bed in the middle of the night if the other one was upset. It was all or nothing. Soothing them both at once was and still is very hard.
Holding them together to calm them down worked for a very limited amount of time from when they were old enough to be held that way (strong enough necks), yet young enough to not yet be annoyed by the lack of personal space on my lap. Now my boys are very cuddly and we often still start and end the day with both of them relaxing on my lap at the same time. I still hold one on each hip at the same time. They don't mind sharing me if they are in a good mood, but to calm them down that way is a whole different story and just doesn't (and never really did) happen. I had to find ways to calm them down at the same time. It almost always meant scrapping their personal preferences and finding some middle ground to just get them to be quiet and then try to work at tending to them from there on out. No holding the baby the way he specifically liked to be held to soothe him, heck there was not much time for that and it didn't leave any room for the other screaming baby to be held. That made me sad, but I did what I could during the days I was home alone with all three while Justin worked. But it almost always felt like it was a jip to the twins. I parented them as a unit most days. There were countless times that I went from one crying baby to the next and then back again because when I switched babies the other one got upset all over again! I always thought - man, if i could just hold them as long as they needed to be - they would be in a better mood and then I could actually put them down. Instead, it was a juggling act where I went back and forth, trying desperately not to lose my stuff!
In some aspects it was good. It made them more laid back, more patient and perhaps even better sleepers. In others it made them all the more upset and "tuned out" if you will during those times of being upset. Holding a cranky baby on your hip as you go about your day because they are just "having a day" for whatever reason is doable with one infant. And I think most moms do that within reason when they need to, sometimes that's what a baby needs. Not really easy to do that with two. Holding your sick baby and giving them extra TLC is doable with one infant. Not so much with two. You do your best and of course they get taken care of, but they get taken care of as a unit. As much as I wanted to think that one would have a hard day and I could give them more of me then and the other one would have a hard day another time where he would get that attention - that hasn't really been the case in our house! They have teethed together, been sick together, had hard days together. They feed off of each other. They are the same age, going through the same struggles. Yet they respond better to different things and that is where I find it a challenge. Sometimes even still when I run my errands I think, if I just had one "baby" who was getting impatient and tired of getting juggled from the car seat to the stroller and back again - heck, I could just hold them and run into the store. The other siblings can walk with me or ride along in the cart. The baby could be treated like the baby. Solutions never seem to be that easy with two!
I see this just as strongly now that they are toddlers, because if one toddler throws a tantrum - I can discipline them if I need to, but then I used to always found it helpful to distract afterwards and get them busy with something they enjoyed to take their mind off whatever upset them. It is extremely hard to do this with both boys. To take two tantruming toddlers who are probably grabbing at my legs to be held, or laying on the floor crying mad and trying to distract them is almost impossible. They will fight over the "distraction", since they are already agitated - or they will just fight over me. Take one twin over to a toy they like and the screaming mad other twin will be following behind, ready to spoil everything. Leaving them on the floor to "get over it" is sometimes what I do, but sometimes that just makes them worse. I have to find something that works for both of them, can't really give each one something they specifically enjoy. Everything sounds better in theory, so much advice over the last year and a half to just do this with one and let the other wait a second, but man - played out in real life it just doesn't happen that easily. We still do it, you have to - but it isn't easy. It's a hard topic to explain without sounding like a complainer and that is not the impression I want to give in this blog. Probably so much easier to understand if you have lived it.
I have to admit that the times when I can take them on their own to do something (even if it is only to take them to do something inside our house solo with me) it tugs at my heart to see how much they enjoy being paid attention to in a way that is so rare for them. I need to work this into our routines more. I've been really good about giving Addison one on one since they arrived, but it is time for them to have some of that as well. Even if I can't give them lots of one on one (let's be honest, with more than one child who really can?), I am trying very hard to do things with them that they specifically like to do. Lucas loves to cuddle. That means a lot to him. Evan loves to play together. Pushing trucks side by side or building blocks together means a lot to him. They are so very different and yet so very much alike. I hope to nurture each of their individualities and steer away from parenting them as one unit. My assumption is that it will just naturally get easier to do this as they get older. I hope so. I'm just grateful to have the advantage of them truly being best friends, loving each other's company (majority of the time) and being big sweethearts to their older sister who helps me tremendously with them throughout the week.
Someone told me that around age 7-8, parents of multiples can finally take a breath. 1 1/2 yrs down, 5 1/2 - 61/2 yrs to go! I think I can.....I think I can....
I think this whole feeling started growing in me more recently, when we hit the age where the boys now have a stronger preference for things - although really it has been an issue that bothered me all along. Looking back, it didn't always turn out to be a bad thing, but nonetheless it was still there.
When they were younger, I would always tell Justin "It would be so much easier if I could just let the baby be "the baby"". It is so easy (although well meant I know) for someone to say, "just put one of them down and make them wait". That person has clearly never had infant twins. To make a 2yr old or older sibling "just wait" is a feasible option. Sure, they might get upset - but they are old enough to play on their own or even tune into a cartoon if need be. They can understand the words "just a minute". They can even understand the concept for the most part, that the baby has certain needs because they are in fact "the baby". Try telling that to another infant. At least I can say for my boys, that from the time they were born I could not settle one down if the other one was screaming bloody murder in the bouncy seat on the floor. I couldn't even nurse one if that was happening, nor put them back to bed in the middle of the night if the other one was upset. It was all or nothing. Soothing them both at once was and still is very hard.
Holding them together to calm them down worked for a very limited amount of time from when they were old enough to be held that way (strong enough necks), yet young enough to not yet be annoyed by the lack of personal space on my lap. Now my boys are very cuddly and we often still start and end the day with both of them relaxing on my lap at the same time. I still hold one on each hip at the same time. They don't mind sharing me if they are in a good mood, but to calm them down that way is a whole different story and just doesn't (and never really did) happen. I had to find ways to calm them down at the same time. It almost always meant scrapping their personal preferences and finding some middle ground to just get them to be quiet and then try to work at tending to them from there on out. No holding the baby the way he specifically liked to be held to soothe him, heck there was not much time for that and it didn't leave any room for the other screaming baby to be held. That made me sad, but I did what I could during the days I was home alone with all three while Justin worked. But it almost always felt like it was a jip to the twins. I parented them as a unit most days. There were countless times that I went from one crying baby to the next and then back again because when I switched babies the other one got upset all over again! I always thought - man, if i could just hold them as long as they needed to be - they would be in a better mood and then I could actually put them down. Instead, it was a juggling act where I went back and forth, trying desperately not to lose my stuff!
In some aspects it was good. It made them more laid back, more patient and perhaps even better sleepers. In others it made them all the more upset and "tuned out" if you will during those times of being upset. Holding a cranky baby on your hip as you go about your day because they are just "having a day" for whatever reason is doable with one infant. And I think most moms do that within reason when they need to, sometimes that's what a baby needs. Not really easy to do that with two. Holding your sick baby and giving them extra TLC is doable with one infant. Not so much with two. You do your best and of course they get taken care of, but they get taken care of as a unit. As much as I wanted to think that one would have a hard day and I could give them more of me then and the other one would have a hard day another time where he would get that attention - that hasn't really been the case in our house! They have teethed together, been sick together, had hard days together. They feed off of each other. They are the same age, going through the same struggles. Yet they respond better to different things and that is where I find it a challenge. Sometimes even still when I run my errands I think, if I just had one "baby" who was getting impatient and tired of getting juggled from the car seat to the stroller and back again - heck, I could just hold them and run into the store. The other siblings can walk with me or ride along in the cart. The baby could be treated like the baby. Solutions never seem to be that easy with two!
I see this just as strongly now that they are toddlers, because if one toddler throws a tantrum - I can discipline them if I need to, but then I used to always found it helpful to distract afterwards and get them busy with something they enjoyed to take their mind off whatever upset them. It is extremely hard to do this with both boys. To take two tantruming toddlers who are probably grabbing at my legs to be held, or laying on the floor crying mad and trying to distract them is almost impossible. They will fight over the "distraction", since they are already agitated - or they will just fight over me. Take one twin over to a toy they like and the screaming mad other twin will be following behind, ready to spoil everything. Leaving them on the floor to "get over it" is sometimes what I do, but sometimes that just makes them worse. I have to find something that works for both of them, can't really give each one something they specifically enjoy. Everything sounds better in theory, so much advice over the last year and a half to just do this with one and let the other wait a second, but man - played out in real life it just doesn't happen that easily. We still do it, you have to - but it isn't easy. It's a hard topic to explain without sounding like a complainer and that is not the impression I want to give in this blog. Probably so much easier to understand if you have lived it.
I have to admit that the times when I can take them on their own to do something (even if it is only to take them to do something inside our house solo with me) it tugs at my heart to see how much they enjoy being paid attention to in a way that is so rare for them. I need to work this into our routines more. I've been really good about giving Addison one on one since they arrived, but it is time for them to have some of that as well. Even if I can't give them lots of one on one (let's be honest, with more than one child who really can?), I am trying very hard to do things with them that they specifically like to do. Lucas loves to cuddle. That means a lot to him. Evan loves to play together. Pushing trucks side by side or building blocks together means a lot to him. They are so very different and yet so very much alike. I hope to nurture each of their individualities and steer away from parenting them as one unit. My assumption is that it will just naturally get easier to do this as they get older. I hope so. I'm just grateful to have the advantage of them truly being best friends, loving each other's company (majority of the time) and being big sweethearts to their older sister who helps me tremendously with them throughout the week.
Someone told me that around age 7-8, parents of multiples can finally take a breath. 1 1/2 yrs down, 5 1/2 - 61/2 yrs to go! I think I can.....I think I can....
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