Pleading Insanity

There are days where the kids get along great, are cuddly and happy, all the clichés - very truly a joy to be around. 

And then there are days where I would like a sign to wear around my neck that simply explains why I am insane.  You know, just to put it out there. 

It's that Jekyll and Hyde relationship.  The one that says "I love you and will literally do anything for you" and also the one that says "You whine ONE more time and I will end you!".

Today was more the second of that statement...

You kind of realize it the second everyone is up.  There is a mood, something in the air.  You thought your question of "which kind of cereal would you like this morning?" was easy enough.  But you were sorely, sorely mistaken.  You see, they didn't WANT cereal for breakfast. 

Silly mom. 

That's when you know.

This little army is ready to TAKE YOU DOWN. 

Sigh.  BIG cup of coffee.  It's going to be a looong one....

Like most every mom I know, you stop judging other moms the second you have children of your own.  I don't mean the second you have an infant.  I mean after you at least tough out the terrible threes.  Age two was nothing in this house.  Three was where it was at.  If you can make it to four years old - you might have a fighting chance.  We haven't gotten much farther than that so I can't say how it plays out from there but the twins will be 2 1/2 next month.  We are entering dangerous waters.... 

Yes, yes, I have the benefit of them being best friends and playing together and learning from what their sister has done in the past.  But the thing with doubling this age is that you are probably dealing with at least one of them whining or perhaps throwing a tantrum most of the day.  Like most of everyday.  Like that's partly why I am insane.  The other part is their overly-dramatic sister...or simply the fact that they have all become motor mouths and my ears get tired of filtering three conversations at the same time all day, everyday.  Insane.

So you tough out a morning of these little soldiers playing together.  Each activity starting out innocent enough, but ending with an issue, whining or tears or fits.  Regardless.  It's just one of those days.  You can put yourself in the bathroom for a deep breath and regroup as often as you want but you will still emerge to the insanity.

You think, ok ok- let's go take a walk.  Get some fresh air, play at the park.  Yeah.  Sounds good.  Off you go.  Addison has gone from the energizer bunny on her bike to the daydream believer.  A pedal here, a glide there, gazing, people watching.  Collecting a leaf here, trying to haul a lady bug along for the ride there.  Cute and all, until the 20th time you literally trip over her while hauling her brothers in the wagon as you realize that the shoes you are wearing give you blisters and why did you grab them for a walk anyway?  The boys are being pretty quiet - oh til you realize they are dragging their hands on the ground and flipping their legs out of the wagon and getting their fingers pinched in the wagon wheels.  You pass by a friendly neighbor who chit chats for a minute.  Not two steps away Addison feels it's an acceptable time to ask, "Why doesn't that guy have hair?".  "Oh, it's a style Addison - like how Uncle John wears his hair."  "No, Uncle John shaves his head, this guy just has all these little hairs."  I hobble away as my blisters become more raw.

We make it to the park. Small victory! The kids are off playing and I am tucking baby wipes in the back of my shoes because otherwise I think the boys will be hauling me back in that wagon. This, like everything else today takes a slight turn for the worse.  No real reason why.  Nothing major.  It's just one of those days.  I load everyone back up and begin hobbling with my tucked in butt wipes back home.  Pass another neighbor who smiles and must wonder what the hell is hanging out of the back of my shoes. 

Addison gets an itch on her right thigh.  Apparently this means that leg can no longer pedal.  So now we are amusing ourselves with how to go forward using only one pedal.  Let me tell you - it's REALLY fast.  I can feel whatever "mild" cleanser is on these wipes slowly seeping into my raw blisters and I am barely holding it together people.  Pepper all this with conversations such as,

"Mom, what is that on the sidewalk?"
"Sidewalk chalk, just like what you have". 
"I don't think it is". 
"Pretty sure that it is, Addison. Why don't you think it is?" 
"Well, I don't think it is because it doesn't look like fun".
"Why doesn't it look like fun?"
"They didn't do good drawings with it" 
"Well, what's fun to you might not be what someone else thinks is fun and everyone draws things differently"
"I think they just CRUSHED the chalk"

Into the house.  Time for ballet.  Get the kids snacks.  Get her dressed.  Grab some toys to keep the boys busy.  We're OUT.  But you see, it's never that simple.  Because eating snacks is no fun when you can just play with the food.  And telling extremely detailed stories leaves no time to chew.  Going to the bathroom before we leave takes at a bare minimum 20 requests.  Bare minimum.  Chasing and pinning the boys down to get their shoes on steals another 10 minutes.  Where did Addison go?  Oh, changing her outfit again and collecting Strawberry Shortcakes for the car ride.  What time is it?  Shoot!  We need to be in the car NOW.  Wait, where did Lucas and Evan go?

The car ride. Ahhh, everyone is held my hostage.  I turn on the radio.  A few minutes to listen to a song I like and pretend I am not driving a minivan.  Well, that would be nice.  But you see, Addison is in the very back of the van playing 1000 questions with me and I can not hear her with the radio on.  Lucas and Evan play this new fun game of fighting over who claims each and every truck we pass.  Or they just all talk on top of each other.  Looks like it's back to "Wheels on the Bus"... and I am slipping into a deeper insanity.

Now let's just briefly visit ballet class if you will.  45 mins of bored toddlers watching their sister or in tonight's case passing God awful gas every 5 minutes.  Did that kid just crap his pants? Oh no!  Just my kid farting!  No worries!  Sorry!  Not sure what they ate!

So you see - sometimes I meet all of this with grace and humor and love and other times, God bless them - I just want a straight jacket!!

The Good Life

"Mom, it's in THERE",  Evan emphasized with a grin at the Home Depot self checkout this morning. 

I looked at him a little confused and then it dawned on me that two out of my three kids still had the paint stir sticks they had been happily parading through the store with - and one did not.  "In there" he pointed to a slot near the bottom of the machine.  The paint stick was 100% jammed inside the self checkout.  No trace left.  The slot's purpose was a little hard to make out, but the picture next to it looked like it was meant for receipts.  Awesome.

A split second folks, I turn my head for a split SECOND!  Eh, it happens and the self checkout worker actually didn't seem to think it was a big deal.  However, I was thinking it would turn into a big deal for the next customer who tried to print a receipt and instead got a smoking machine jammed up with a paint stir stick!  But let's focus on the positives. The fact that they had all been happy and patient for me while I looked at paint samples and got a few cans of paint made.  That literally each person who passed us this morning for some reason decided to stop and chat with me about my kids and tell me how beautiful the family was.  Makes you stop and remember how lucky you are to have such precious little ones in your life that you probably often take for granted even when you try your hardest not to.

So we are moving this week.  It's been crazy and stressful and hectic all at the same time.  In these last stages of packing I have also found it strangely calming.  I don't know.  Something about combing through all of your old memories and reminiscing on the past years has been nice.  It gives you the hindsight to see that all of those decisions and sacrifices have brought you to this point and were totally worth the things you worked so hard for.  Not that this joy is all wrapped up into buying a new house.  Not at all - but just the process of building our lives together as a family.

This was our first home and we moved in one year after getting married.  I began my life in this house working full time. I often joke that I have no clue what I ever thought I was so busy with because I bet I could accomplish a week's worth of what I did back then in one single nap time these days!  Years later we welcomed Addison into our world.  I learned what no sleep meant and how hard it was to hand off a 12 week old to go back to work part time.  Learned that smudges on windows can be endearing and toys will overtake your living room no matter what.  The next phase came the day we found out the twins were on their way.  Roughly 8 months later we welcomed Lucas and Evan into our world, respectively.  I instantaneously learned what no sleep really REALLY meant.  Learned what it was like to quit my job and be a full time stay at home mom.  Learned to adjust to our craziness.  We've had our share of struggles and joys here.  It's been a great 8 years and now we are ready to move on.

I took the kids over to look at the new house last week.  At one moment I was standing in the foyer and looking up at the three of them.  They were running across the upstairs hallway one behind the other and it occurred to me that somewhere in my mind's eye - this image had been there when I imagined my future family.  Sometimes I think amid the insanely fast pace of our days and nights it's easy to overlook that we are living out the days that we will one day miss the most. 

As I was driving home from Home Depot, the song "Good Life" by One Republic came on.  That song will always remind me of the day I went to my 6 wk post partum checkup after delivering the twins.  It had been a very taxing 6 weeks and that day had been particularly hard.  I had puffy, red eyes from zero sleep and some definite crying over trying to juggle the babies and Addison while Justin was at work all day.  I was driving off to the appointment trying to compose myself and that song came on.  I remember taking a deep breath and thinking that I needed that reminder - take life in.  This was going to be good, I just had to get through some of the hard.  Well we are here.  We are in the good now and it was really fitting that the song came on today while my thoughts were reeling about the move.  So as we start moving into our house this afternoon, I am planning to soak up the family time that we will be blessed with this last year with all three kids at home.  Next year comes Kindergarten and the beginning of really starting to let them grow up I think.  So I am very excited to put down some roots in our new home and to enjoy what lies ahead - even if it includes jamming up the self checkouts at Home Depot - or much worse ;)

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick

Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cause hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

Oh, this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

In a Cattle Car...

 

Me, in a cattle car (we think that's what it was anyway...) in the middle of a cow impersonation.  I was taking the train somewhere in Germany or Austria - can't exactly remember.  I think this was my second year in college.  One of my best friends and I were going car to car looking for seats and somehow ended up here.  It was really funny and we were goofing around taking pictures.  Traveling can be so much fun.

 

I have been fortunate enough to have the opportunity of traveling to several countries so far in my life.  I did a few missions trips with my youth group during high school.  Really meaningful trips to Mexico and Costa Rica that taught me about how fortunate we are to have everything that we do.  A month long college trip touring Germany with my German class that was really awesome.  But none can probably hold a candle in terms of personal growth to the three months I went over to Germany by myself to work.  And I think the key to this was that I was by myself. 

 

I had so many close friends in youth group that going out of the country on a missions trip (no matter how hard the environment or the work) was just plain touching and fun.  I can't remember being nervous, only excited.  Going to Germany for a month with my college class was a little bit more outside of my comfort zone.  It was a longer trip and I did not know these kids as well.  It meant leaving my boyfriend for a month.  But nonetheless we had an awesome time together - lots of history and lots of crazy fun (maybe too crazy at times...).  Had the privilege to learn the story of my college professor whose family fled from East Germany when she was 5 years old.  I am still amazed at the part where she was told to run to a bar and sleep there for the night by herself and then use a payphone to call the number she had on a scrap piece of paper for her aunt to come get her the following morning.  Being able to spend a few nights with families on the East and West side and learning their personal stories as well.  New Year's Eve in an abandoned building, 5 stories high, crawling with people and an open bar and DJ on every floor .... all waiting for the bus afterwards at about 4am in the freezing cold and then realizing that oh yea, they don't run that late and slowly finding our way back to the youth hostel from there.  A few shenanigans with one of my best friends who got to come visit me at the end of the trip.  We got to go to the mountains in Austria and spend a few days in a cabin there. I could go on and on.  It was a really enriching trip for many reasons.  Great memories.

 

After college, I had the opportunity to travel to Germany and work for three months.  It seemed like a no brainer, when would I ever be able to do this again?  Although it meant leaving family, friends and a serious boyfriend behind for the duration.  In the grand scheme of things, 3 months is not long at all - but when you are in your early twenties and so many things are developing in your life, it can seem like a really long time to be gone.  A lonely 8 hour plane ride over (not including a layover) was too much time to sit and let my mind wander!  I remember sitting there thinking ... hmmm, what have I gotten myself into??  Let's hope I can do this!  Thankfully, I have always had strong gut feelings.  If it feels right, I let it play out and I have never been disappointed.  This felt right.  So no matter how hard it was, I was going to let it play out.  I tried to sleep so that when I arrived the following morning German time, I would be able to withstand the full day ahead of me - but my mind was racing!  I had studied the German language and culture since I was in 6th grade, actually graduated with a Bachelor's degree, double majoring in German and Business.  Still, I think when you have studied a language enough to know most of the minute details - you also are aware of every mistake that you may make and so you are very hesitant to consider yourself "fluent".   I always shy away from that term.  And my goodness, there are so many dialects in that country - it is amazing.

 

So I arrived, got my luggage and then had to take a train south to be picked up by a colleague and then driven to the apartment where I was to live.  I wasn't paying as close of attention as I should have been and I missed getting off to catch my proper train connection.  I thought the ride was seeming long and then I heard the next stop announced on the train and panic set in.  I grabbed my things, rushed to someone who was working on the train and they stopped at the next stop to let me off so that I could find my way back.  I did not have a cell phone to call the gentleman who was picking me up, did not even know his cell phone number at that time (how insane is that?).  Only had office numbers.  So I am already late, in the wrong city and frantically trying to call someone - anyone - at the office even though it is almost after hours and I don't know who would still be at their desk in order to contact this poor man and let him know I will be (well, already was) late.  Finally succeeded and rushed over to hop on the correct train.  Whew - what an embarrassing start to this journey!

 

It's interesting being 'the foreigner'.  And I don't mean a tourist, or even a student - I mean actually plugging yourself into daily life in a different country for an extended period of time.  I lived with a family that to my knowledge, did not speak one word of English.  They were very reserved and had three children, only one of which was still living at home.  They read papers, were very artsy, yet very shy actually and were hospitable to me - even though I was quite different from them.  It was really nice to be living with them and not on my own.  They made an effort to take me places on those early weekends where I did not know enough people to have any plans.  Even though I had my own space because they actually owned two apartments and the intent was to let me be on my own, they still included me in all of their daily meals and activities as if I was a foreign exchange student of sorts.  That was a blessing.

 

Work was a challenge for sure!  The job itself was not hard.  The only opening they had for me was to be the secretary to the owner of the company, I was filling in for a maternity leave.  She was there maybe half of one day to give me a few pointers and then gone.  But hierarchy is important there and he was important and there were a lot of questions left unanswered before she left.  What can you do, I had to just learn on my own by making mistakes.  In those early days, every time the phone would ring I would get nervous - hoping that I would understand everything that was being said on the other line and that I could also know enough about the company, my boss and the job to handle the topic of conversation!  I remember one sweet woman (the only other woman on our floor) coming into my office that first week.  The phone rang and I explained to her my fear.  She told me very matter of factly "No, no, no - don't you be afraid to speak - you just stop them - tell them to speak clearly and slowly because German is your second language and that is that."   That was great advice - get rid of the fear, jump in and do this.  Who cares what other people think, you are here to learn.  And I tried to take that attitude with me.  But you always have your moments. 

 

They gave me a company car and the first day I drove home, I missed a turn, got lost and ended up in a different town!  Then I was barreling down these tiny roads trying to make sense of where the heck I was and where the heck I needed to go (no cell phone, no gps!).  I always figured it out eventually - but it did frazzle me every time!  I think when your nerves are already shot - these little things can rattle you all the more.  Who was really there to help me?  No one really.  Everyone was a stranger.  That was kind of cool though, you learn what you are capable of - you take time to notice things without distraction.  It was a great experience.

 

I had gone through a couple of days, still learning the ropes at work and still dealing with the language and cultural barriers - and woke up one morning feeling totally drained.  I did not feel like going into work and facing all of that again.  It is surprisingly mentally and physically draining.  In spite of that - I got up, got myself ready, got into my car and prayed the entire 40 min drive into work.  Came to the conclusion that even if I messed up what felt like all the time with work or wording or not catching a joke or not knowing my job well enough yet - that I would make it my mission to get to know the people here and to let them get to know me.  I wanted to leave an impression on them of who I was - not worrying about what I could or couldn't do well.  Of course I would continue to try my very best at bettering my work, my speech, etc., I would try to not let that hinder my relationships. This was the game changer in my trip.  And boy oh boy did it open my eyes to the kindness and goodness of human nature - no matter where you are in the world.

 

I'm sure I gave them a little grief - one night while out late with a coworker's daughter, I botched the side of the company car driving out of a parking structure.  It was terrifying walking into work the next day with my tail between my legs.  The two men I reported to ended up laughing, keeping it a secret from everyone else and then telling me after I got home that another worker took the car out, came back complaining up and down about the scratches and they said, "well you must have done it, since you were out with the car, right?"  haha.  He didn't get in trouble, obviously - but it was humorous that they had my back so to speak. 

 

I came to know the owner of the company quite well and he (a man of about 65) ended up inviting me to go to an old ski cabin where he was meeting up with a university ski club he had been a part of years ago and before that his father had been a part of.  When I pulled in to park at his home - he had told me where exactly to park my car and it was this tiny little spot that was on the steepest DECLINE you have ever seen.  In front of this decline was a cement wall.  So pulling into the spot wasn't so bad, but pulling out of it without bashing the cement wall in front of it was impossible for me to do in a manual car!!!  Oh my gosh, did I sit there and try for what felt like eternity (sweating bullets mind you as this is not my car) while he watched, until I got out and made him help!  We went to the cabin and he introduced me to many kids around my own age and we all ate and talked and then he had me come back to he and his wife's home to spend the night.  He also invited me on a business trip with him to Switzerland, where we spent a few days at a convention.  I think he took to me as a daughter of sorts.  My goodness I (yet again) got lost on my way to meet him.  I was so turned around that I flew into this park n ride just fuming.  I was banging the steering wheel and probably yelling some choice words when I spot him in his Mercedes, observing the entire scene!  I quietly got into his car and he simply said in an amused voice, "everything ok?".  Total humiliation!!!  We had a fun trip and at one point during the convention he told me to just get out of there and go shopping.  Go check out the town.  What a neat opportunity. 

 

Among other wonderful things I was invited to go horseback riding in France with another coworker's entire family.  This was funny because apparently horses there respond to English style commands and I was trying Western commands.  Did not discover this until many embarrassing and quite dangerous moments later!  I went to the theater with another coworker and his wife, I went to meet yet another coworker's family and had another invitation to stay in their home for the night and visit some local fairs.  I came to love these people for being so sweet to me.  I came to see that showing your vulnerability is actually a strength.  I looked forward to our lunches at the company cafeteria together, our jokes over morning coffee.  They really found a special place inside my heart and I think I in theirs. 

 

Like all wonderful things, this eventually had to come to an end.  The company Christmas party was my last hurrah.  I guess I had to go out with a bang.  I left work a touch early to go home and get changed for the party that was at a fancy place.  Of course there ended up being a car accident of some sort completely blocking the road I needed to take to the party.  I sat there in standstill traffic FOREVER.  Time was ticking, I was soooo late it was once again totally embarrassing.  I pulled over to a payphone and tried to call people but had no luck.  I had their cell numbers by now but was using a prepaid calling card and after they noticed I was getting to be too late, they all checked their cell phones and saw missed calls from those strange prepaid numbers but had no way of calling back.  I finally got there after everyone had already eaten!  As I was walking in, a few guys were walking out - on their way to find me.  I felt terrible!!  But, thankfully - they were just glad I was ok and ordered me some dinner and the party went on! 

 

It was really hard to leave.  Three months is just about enough time to get settled and get past your initial concerns and really start living.  However, Justin came to visit me at the end of my trip and proposed to me over there!  So what a wonderful event to go home and look forward to building our lives together.

 

If I learned anything, it was that you can do all things through Him who gives your strength.  Focus on what is important and the rest of it will fall into place.  Be vulnerable, be real.  Get to know people not to climb ladders or for your personal gain, get to know them because you want to get to know THEM.  I still keep in touch with these people today.  They offered for me to stay and work before I left.  I joked with the man who had waited for me at the train station that first day of my arrival and he said, "If only we had known then, what we were waiting for.".  I went on to do translation work for two men that had side businesses and needed help with English versions of their websites.  I went back a few years later with Justin's family and was able to reconnect with a few of these gentlemen that I worked with.  I later worked at Detroit Diesel and interacted on a daily basis with Daimler expatriates and their families.  I felt like I could empathize so much better with their experiences.  Felt like I could connect that much more with my German bosses and colleagues.  This trip was such a confidence builder.  Sometimes you need to walk the streets of an unknown town all by yourself to collect your thoughts about life in general.  Sometimes you need to be away from all of your distractions to really observe God's beauty in this world.  Sometimes you need to throw yourself out there - even when you feel really out of place.  The rewards are immense.  People are what matter and we need to leave our mark by spreading the good that God has placed in our hearts with each other.

 

(Oh yeah, and as soon as I introduced Justin to the family I was living with - they spoke to him in really good English - the turkeys)  ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fiery

I've come to the conclusion that my kids are fiery.  And I think I kind of like that about them. 

They can love just as passionately as they can tantrum.  They are not easily distracted, they know what they want and they stick to their guns.  They are not easily broken!  I used to be embarrassed by this sometimes.  However, I've recently decided that this is a good trait to have in the future, though it can be challenging in the earlier years.  I hope to channel it properly so that it can be beneficial and not detrimental to them.  I admire parents who embrace their kids personalities instead of trying to break them.  It sure is a delicate balance though to keep the discipline at the same time.

I just figured I'd write this today to encourage other moms who are feeling like they need to fit their kids into a certain mold, to try and take a step back and consider what is really important to YOU and YOUR family.  What got me on this topic was that my good friend (also a mother of twins) just mailed me this book out of the blue, "Desperate Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe".  I started it and although I am not finished yet - it is really good.  It is all about being who God created you to be, so that you can be a blessing to your kids and allow them to be who God made them to be. It focuses on the role of motherhood and is about not getting bogged down by all of the outside influences and just trying to enjoy these early and oftentimes hard younger years in our children's lives.  Trying to find balance and happiness as a mom instead of working yourself to the bone and still feeling inferior.  We compare ourselves constantly in this world to others and sometimes it just isn't healthy. We expect to be perfect and we expect our kids to achieve perfection and it just isn't the way we were designed.  I have bad days and so do my children.  We are human.

I have learned a lot (and am still learning every day) from the experience of having twins.  One important thing is that you can have two babies/toddlers, same environment, same rules, same routine and get a totally different outcome from each child.  Out of our three children, I have two kids that remind me of each other (Addison and Lucas) and one who is quite different (Evan).  I used the same sleep 'training' if you will and had 1 great sleeper (Evan) and 2 not so great sleepers (Addison and Lucas).  I used to think that was all my fault - and though some of it surely relies on the parent's coaching, a heck of a lot depends on the child themselves.  I have two kids that tell me things play by play all day long - chatterboxes, very vocal and very interactive (you guessed it - Addison and Lucas).  Then I have one who saves most of his stories for quiet time, alone with me.  Content to play pretty quietly during the day but wanting to explain all about it one on one at the end of the day (Evan). 

I resolved a while back to try and forget what everyone else thinks (although sure it still is sometimes important to me and probably always will be) and just follow my heart.  Do what is best for our family and kids.  I used to think I needed to push my kids to go to other people very easily and make them really flexible.  Felt like I needed to make them fit into this 'easy kid' mold.  Now I realize what I knew deep down all along that it's totally healthy and normal for young kids to prefer their parents, to want their mom and why would I want to give up that love and affection, take away that security or force it to be smothered just to make someone else happy?  The reality for our household is that in having twins, it required a consistent schedule.  Our kids thrive in that environment and it makes for a happy home and well behaved kids.  Nap time and bedtime I try to keep at roughly the same time everyday (even though sure we try not to be totally locked in to this so as to miss out on things).  My kids still like pacifiers.  I don't want them in their mouths all day long, but if it helps at night for bed or if the boys are under the weather and it calms them down, I couldn't care less.  I used to think I needed to keep it away from them to avoid comments or people pulling it out of their mouths.  I don't feel that way anymore.  It works for us, so why not.  It's not like this phase will last forever.

So just a short note to embrace your kid's fiery-ness (is that a word?) and don't feel like you have to always nit pick or cram them into a nice neat box to gain approval as a mother or for them to gain approval as a child.  Hang in there, don't compromise your expectations for good behavior, but also try to be full of grace and forgiveness and encourage them to figure out who they are and how they can channel their personalities to be the best they can be.  It's a daily battle for sure, but one that's worth every effort we give as parents. 

A quote from "Desperate Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe" by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson,

"If you inhabit your role as a mother primarily from love, you will see God's hand moving every part of your life.  Love is the most important value to God. Jesus said the whole law could be summed up in two commandments-love God, and love people.  He said people would know we were His followers by our love, and so it makes sense that our children will truly know we are His followers by the love we show them.  Love is the fuel that energizes every other type of growth.  If you love well, you will influence your children, and your love will cover over many inadequacies."

It's a Deal.

Addison and I made a deal this week. I would work on my yelling if she would work on her whining.  It's had a surprising outcome.  I don't mean that I never yell at my kids.  I think sometimes they need to know you mean business.  In our house that is a spank and if I raise my voice because they were totally out of line I am personally not too worried about it.  However, I found I was yelling a lot more when I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated about whatever I needed to fit in or get done rather then when it was actually warranted for their behavior.  They are, after all, young kids - even though when they accidentally spill their milk for the 20th time just as you try to sit down to your dinner and the other kids are already finished by now and asking to get down and play and you look at the mess of food on them and on the table and the floor - it is really hard not to throw your own massive tantrum.  But I am surprised that her whining is really improving.  Don't get me wrong, she still whines.  Just not as often or as long.  I remind her of our deal and it's like we are in it together and she gets a kick out of that.  She also gets a kick out of reminding me to keep my cool when she sees that look of insanity creep up on my face...

I enjoy reading blogs when I can and hearing everyone's funny commentary on parenting.  I also enjoy the advice and reminders that come from them.  It's nice that a lot of them are saying, sometimes you just have to remember that we aren't perfect.  I appreciate that.  Stop trying to strive for perfection and just live.  In my opinion I don't think a 'perfect' parent is even good for kids.  They need to have a real role model.  Someone who can admit their mistakes and show them how to work toward improving themselves.  This little 'deal' Addison and I made shows me even more that it means a lot to them when you admit your shortcomings - even at only 4 yrs old.

I think what drives me to insanity at times is finding balance.  I have come to the conclusion that it just might not exist at this stage in the game and maybe that is ok.  Instead of trying to find it, just rolling with it is a better approach.  I was feeling like becoming a mother had defined me and given me so much purpose, but it had also consumed me.  People often forgot that just because I chose to quit my job and stay home with my children did not necessarily mean that I didn't want to work.  Likewise, just because a mother is working doesn't necessarily mean she didn't want to be at home with her children.  Being a mom has been a great way to find a common ground with other people and a fun thing to chat about, but most people (even those closest to you) sometimes forget that there was and still is more to you than just that role.  You try to find balance and fit in a date night here, a friend night there, a hobby or exercise when you can.  And you know what - as important as carving time out for yourself is, truth be told when you have young children you just have to sacrifice a lot of the time.  It comes with the territory.  And I think instead of falling into the trap of mourning the temporary loss of those things, it's ok to put a few things on hold for a while to make life work.  I find I am often the craziest (most apt to break my deal with Addison) when I try to fit everything in and my kids sense that and become different themselves.  If there is anything I've learned from having twins, it's been to take life at my own pace and forget about everyone else.  (Because let's be honest, it takes us at least an hour to get out the door every day in the first place)  :)

We've all heard it a million times, but I personally have to constantly remind myself to let things go.  Constantly.  Constantly.  It's hard for me to do.   I'd love to have it all together but the truth is that life isn't quite like that and that is what makes it hard and great all at the same time.  Sometimes there are days that I forget the house and play like crazy with the kids.  Some days just scream for a movie to be turned on so that I can walk into the other room for a few minutes to clean or simply to gather back the strength to keep on addressing the constant, constant flow of needs coming from my 2yr old rascal twins and their 4yr old sister.  Some days I listen to, get a huge kick out of and interact with Addison's constant commentary.  Cheer her on in her singing.  Some days she turns the volume on her singing up to full blast and decides that coming up for air during her stories isn't required.  In the background there will be talking or whining and mischief from the boys.  Those days I just want to go find the vodka. 

So I guess you get out when you can, take time for yourself when you really need it.  But putting a stop to the unnecessary 'tatrums' I was throwing told me to be ok with the times that you can't do the things you want.  Try to roll with it :)  There will be good days, bad days - but making conscious choices to treat each other kindly and keep moving forward toward a better you are probably the better choices for a happy family.

Digital

A friend's post yesterday got my mind kind of ranting on this subject.  It was about her not letting her young children have all kinds of expensive, digital devices like "all the other kids" did.  I completely agreed with her and the topic stayed with me.  I often wonder what my young children will be encountering as they grow up in regards to the digital world.

Don't get me wrong, technology is important and our kids need know how to function in a digital world and how to use these devices.  In my opinion, they need to be fluent with laptops, cell phones, iPads and the like.  However, I don't think it takes much for that to happen these days and I certainly don't think these devices need to rule their lives at such a young age.

Quite frankly, I often cringe and am really saddened/scared when I see what seems like every kid bent over some kind of device for almost every spare second that they have.  They are constantly watching a show, playing a game or just on the Internet.  I can hardly believe stories I hear from my sister who taught Kindergarten and encountered children who picked up a real book and did not understand the concept of turning the page, but rather tried to scroll down/turn the page with a stroke of their finger like they were on a Kindle.  I honestly dislike seeing minivans driving down the road for short trips to school or the store with their DVD players on to entertain the kids in back.  It scares me when I hear that some schools are "book free".  That just sounds completely wrong!  (and I'll openly admit that I have not thoroughly researched this and my children are not yet in full time school - I should hope that they have good reasons for this, but it still makes me wonder why the written language is no longer valued at all?)

We are not an anti-technology family or anything.  Our boys enjoy playing with the Leapster laptop we have that sings about letters and animals etc.  Addison enjoys the occasional game on the iPad.  We have a portable DVD player that saves our lives on long road trips.  However, I will never be the mom to turn on the DVD player for a short jaunt around town and miss out on my daughter's thoughts as she looks out the window and asks about stop lights or the difference between the yellow and white lines on the road.  I never want to miss her ideas on the airplanes in the sky or the weather outside.  I will not rob my kids of taking in the world around them, forming their own thoughts and actually participating in DIALOGUE with somebody.  And I kind of feel like that is what is happening around us. I feel like children are being robbed of this.  They are also being taught that they need to be entertained every second of the day.  What happened to patience?  I hate hearing the twins crying in the backseat while I drive because they don't want to sit and wait - but you know what, that's life and they get over it.

We have a family laptop and Justin has an iPad.  My 4 year old can use these very well for as seldom as she is given them.  She can use my cell phone (maybe even better than me!) and all she does is occasionally call her Grandma on it or take and review a picture on it.  I don't think it's necessary for young children to own these things.  There is value in a family laptop while your children are small.  They do not need to take these things off to their room and get into God knows what.  They don't need to have them in their hands all day long.  I think it is really important for them to develop their imagination, their fine motor skills, their social skills.  It is so easy to feel alone in a digital world.  Maybe that's where a lot of our society's problems originate.  When I was little, to call a friend I had to dial their home phone number, talk for a few minutes with whoever happened to answer the phone and then I could talk to my friend.  It may have been a little uncomfortable at times, but it was good to learn how to do this.  These days we hardly talk verbally - we text, Facebook, email...we are missing out on a very crucial human attribute and need.

I think that lots of things have changed.  There are no more pay phones, hardly any land lines.  It's often more or less about safety when you hand your child their own cell phone.  And I get that.  And I will do the same when they are old enough to need that.  I just really wish that people could try to stop relying on this stuff to entertain their kids.  All kids will complain at some point of boredom.  They will all whine about not having this or that.  But you know what - you don't always have to give in or hand them electronics to get them to be quiet.  The more you let them play outside, with other kids, build blocks, draw, use play-doh - the more their imagination will grow.  Let them TALK to you.  LISTEN to them.  Get off your own digital devices for 5 seconds and interact with them.  I sometimes have to even remind myself that I don't need to quick scroll through the Facebook statuses throughout the day.  It's super tempting because it takes 5 seconds from my phone.  It's fun and I enjoy it - Lord knows I post a billion pics of my kids that I take on my phone all day long.  But there is more to life than just that.

I guess my rant is more or less: everything in moderation.  Let your kids be kids.  Teach them the value of looking someone in the eye and talking to them.  Teach them patience.  Teach them that they have a wonderful imagination if they can just try to put it to use.  Otherwise, I truly fear what the future holds for this generation of little ones.  It's scary!

My ear pressed to her small, fragile back, listening.

"When your child comes to you and says they don't feel good, you remain calm and ask them what's wrong.  When you have a child with a food allergy, your heart stops."

Last night I was cleaning the house and went to put something back in Addison's room.  She was already asleep.  Normal night, came home from ballet, had a snack, brushed teeth, read a story and went right to bed.  I noticed her stirring.  I walked over to see her better in the dark and realized she had just thrown up on herself.  Wasn't a ton, but nonetheless how odd that she would not be up and complaining of a stomach ache first - and how odd that she was acting perfectly normal and full of energy right before bed?  I am immediately in the "mother of a child with a food allergy panic".  I don't show it, but I am always panicking in these situations.  I helped her sit up and my eyes immediately looked where her vomit had touched her skin.  Sure enough it was very red, itchy and irritated. 

Allergic reaction. 

I try to stay calm.  Carry her to the bathroom.  First protocol is to get this off of her and fast.  Talking soothingly, asking her my huge list of specific questions so I can get inside her head on what she is feeling without relaying my panic.  The sweet little thing is actually in the tub thanking me for taking such good care of her as I send Justin running downstairs to check the list I just gave him of everything she ate that afternoon and right before bed.  I know everything that enters this child's system.  I have to.  I always remember what she had. 

We check labels like fanatics, even on things we know to be safe.  You never know, recipes change, facilities begin to manufacture other things.  However, it is too easy to be in a rush, grab a trusted product, do the quick label scan (double check that the allergen listed in bold at the end of the ingredients is not one that will harm Addison) and then away you go assuming that nothing has changed.  Little do you know, you missed fine print at the bottom that says "processed in a facility that also handles peanut butter".  That would be me.  I bought pretzels that were processed in a facility that handled peanut butter.  I missed that on the label.  Justin ran back up to tell me.  Worst feeling ever.  I thought they were the ones I always bought, the ones she loved.  The ones I specifically bought for her.  How could I have made this mistake??

I take her out of the tub, get her in pajamas and take her downstairs.  Immediate dose of Benedryl and fingers crossed that her stomach keeps it down without any issues.  Normally it does fine if she has already gotten rid of what was bothering her.  We decide to do a breathing treatment in hopes of warding off breathing issues to come.  Her last nut encounter (thank God there has only been one other) the breathing trouble began about 1 1/2 hrs later as the allergist (thank God again) predicted and I was already on the road to their office, which is part of the hospital.  The last thing I want to have to do is use the Epipen Jr. if I can safely avoid it.  She calmed down and fell back asleep on the couch with Justin and I.  We took her up to our bed and I spent the entire night with my ear pressed against her small, fragile back - just listening.  Listening to her breathe.  Listening for any beginning signs of trouble, anything that sounded like last time when our allergist had me put my ear to her and listen so that I would know.  Epipen Jr. next to me on the nightstand. 

Food allergies suck.

Addison is allergic to dairy, eggs and nuts.  I assume all nuts, but she has for sure been confirmed with pine nuts and peanuts.  Nothing airborne that we know of.  Otherwise this kid is a picture of perfect health.  She beats colds faster than any of us, eats more vegetables than any kid I've ever met.  Her diet is very rich because we have been forced to find healthy alternative options. In many ways, it has made us a healthier family as most processed foods she can not have.

I had a very mild intolerance to wheat and dairy as a child that I later outgrew, but nothing like what we are dealing with.  I had heard of people who's children were severely allergic to peanuts, felt for them and wondered why in the world so many children are ending up like this now??  Peanut free tables?  Peanut free rooms?  Never thought mine would be one of them.  We always ate pretty healthy, tried not to put bad things in our systems.  I breastfed her exclusively (she literally probably ingested 2 bottles of formula, if that, her entire infancy).  Where does this come from??  I have my suspicions with GMO products and sickening things that I do not care to get into here.  Things that while we try to avoid, still sometimes seem so far out of our control and the more you learn, the more disturbing and distressed you feel.  She goes in for her yearly blood work soon.  We will see where we stand.

This year has been especially trying for me as she began preschool.  I used to work part time when she was very young, but she stayed with my sister during those hours and I knew I could trust her to take great care of her and be on top of the allergies.  I send her food with her everywhere, we do not take chances.  People mean well, but so many things can be innocently overlooked and it is just not worth it to us. 

I had a talk with the preschool staff and gave them an Epipen Jr to keep, allergies and usual reactions all written down.  I send her own snack each day, get creative with party foods that she can eat on the day they have celebrations.  Her most favorite days are when we have volunteered to bring in snack for the class.  She gets to be like everyone else.  She gets to be "Child of the Day", stand in the front of the line, etc.  It's so sweet.  Still, I walk away everyday just hoping and praying that she'll stay safe, that no other parent will forget that it is a nut free classroom, that she won't have any problems.  When she gets older I think some of this will subside.  She'll know to wash the peanut butter that she accidentally got on her hand off right away.  She'll know more about how it works.  But for now, it's nerve racking.

She AMAZES me with her confidence and self restrain when it comes to this topic. I always tell her that God gave her a special belly.  I heard her tell our neighbor that once and it made me smile.  She knows not to eat any food offered to her before asking first.  I watch her do this even with the most tempting of foods.  I love her dearly for this. 

I unfortunately had to have a serious conversation with her preschool teacher, because she brought home a craft that used dairy containing foods.  Thankfully, as long as she doesn't eat them this only usually causes a few hives and itching - but still.  If she wasn't so amazing and had popped a few cheesy goldfish in her mouth like the kid next to her did - we would have some problems.  I picked her up from class and was told that she had also made a snowman with marshmallows and frosting and they "weren't sure if she could have the frosting, so they let her make it, but not eat it".  Terrifying.  Thankfully, it was the brand she could have.  Thankfully, this child of three years frosted an entire marshmallow snowman without licking her fingers or eating it like the rest of the class until I gave her the ok to eat it on the way home.  People do not understand (although after our talk, I know her teachers do now!!).  I always offer to bring in her craft supplies involving food if they tell me in advance.  I WILL DO THE FOOTWORK, I WILL MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU - JUST TELL ME, PLEASE DON'T EVER ASSUME.  Her school has been wonderful about this ever since.

I try not to get too upset about the mindset of people not understanding.  I probably wouldn't have given it much thought before Addison.  However, there is nothing more terrifying and infuriating than someone who does not take a food allergy seriously when you know it could cost your child their life.  Their life.  Let me say this once more, their LIFE.

If you take anything away from this post, please make sure you pay attention to the children in your life with food allergies as well as the children that your children encounter with food allergies at school.  Be considerate of them.  They did not wake up that day with the intent of making your life hard.  Put yourselves in their shoes for a minute.  Imagine your child having that reaction.  Imagine your anxiety being a parent of that child.  It can be as simple as teaching your child to wash their hands after they eat or wiping down your small children's hands when they are finished.  Then others don't have to wonder what food ended up smeared on the monkey bars or toys that your child could come into contact with.

Be informed and be aware.  If it means you can't pack one ingredient in your child's lunches for the school year, that's not so bad.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself with your ear against your child's back, just listening to them breathe...

It sucks, it is inconvenient for everyone around, but it's reality. And might I add, a child's life is well worth the minor inconveniences.  I don't expect the world to be nut-free.  I just expect that where young children are involved, people can act responsibly.