I'll be watching a movie and thinking to myself that this actor or actress must be close to my age. And then I read somewhere that they are like 23 years old. Ouch!
So I have a hard time believing that I am (ahem) ......30....... years old.
Sure, I realize that in the large scheme of things, 30 is not old at all. However, I personally have to admit that 30 is probably one of the last numbers I 'feel' like turning .... not meaning the last year I'd like to live of course, but let's face it - 30 is when you are officially separated from the young "twenty something" crowd and instead paired up with the "young family" crowd. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but a mental adjustment for sure.
I remember that I used to refer to people as "early 30's" when I didn't know their age and they looked older than me. Then came the day I said that and realized that I, myself was now grouped into that category. I better up my phrase to "mid-late 30's"! I truly don't think about it much, but there are those times I feel like I am in an episode of this old sitcom that used to air (I can't even remember the name anymore). The intro was this minivan pulling into a beach parking lot and as these young parents were unloading floaty after floaty, strollers, coolers, umbrellas, kids, etc. They looked totally exhausted, sleep deprived and sweaty and then this convertible pulled up next to them. Four young people hopped out with nothing but their surfboards and sunglasses and took off to the water! They stopped unloading for a minute and just stared at them longingly.....yea, I think I have officially been there!
Driving a minivan is something of a turning point in your life, right? I've heard friends say,
"Maybe people will just think I am the hot nanny!?"
Not even that, I just hate the work it takes to load and unload everyone and their things for simple trips. Or when you pull up next to a car filled with young kids and you feel like a total mom. Again, not necessarily a bad thing, but not exactly how I picture myself all the time!
I must admit that I often mistake college kids for high school kids and then think, college age? No, they couldn't be....could they? Or when I see all of those skinny jeans out there and come to terms with the fact that most of my jeans are still boot cut .... the haunting thought enters my mind .... are boot cut jeans like the new "mom jeans"?!?!?! I don't think so, and I sincerely hope not! But what if they are!? hahaha
To be honest, I don't think I could keep up with the twenty something crowd anymore. Nor does nightlife really interest me much these days. I like to try and get in bed by 10pm for sure - earlier if I can! Not that I am promised to actually SLEEP, given the kids. But that is when I at least like to start trying :) Of course a night out here and there is divine. But so is getting comfy on the couch and watching an episode of MadMen. :) (I am totally painting a picture of my dork life now, aren't I?)
In the end, I can even see large differences in myself from being in my twenties until now. Age brings more wisdom and confidence and so many other wonderful things, despite the occasional wrinkle. And building a family and enjoying this stage can actually be quite fulfilling.
So I guess you just try to follow that Tim McGraw song, right?
Something like,
"I think I'll take a moment, celebrate my age. The ending of an era and the turning of a page. Now it's time to focus in on where I go from here. Lord, have mercy on my next 30 (+) years!"
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Heartstrings
"Did you have sweet dreams?", I asked Addison when she woke up from her nap a few weeks ago.
"Uh huh" she answered.
"What did you dream about?"
"You"
Talk about tugging at those heartstrings! I think most moms agree that these are the little moments we live for. When a compliment comes from a little one, it is on such a deeper level because they are nothing but honest.
For as many crazy funny things as Addison can say, she sure does come up with some amazingly sweet words.
I'll know I'll never ever forget two of these comments (although I hope to never forget any of them). They were both simple words, but they meant so much to me at the times they were spoken. One of them came the day I found out we were expecting twins. Talk about shocker! Sooo many things racing through my mind and at the top of that list was worrying about Addison and whether or not she would feel left out, or if I'd have enough time for her once they arrived. I wasn't voicing any of this, but instead I was sitting on the couch watching Addison play. Out of the blue, she walked over, made direct eye contact with me and said,
"I'm ok, Mom"
She's always been very vocal for her age, but I thought here is this little girl just shy of 2yrs old and out of everyone I had spoken with that day, she was the only one who had made me feel a little more at ease about the situation. God sure does know what we need to hear, when we need to hear it and who we need to hear it from, doesn't He?
The other comment I'll never forget was once the twins had arrived and were 6 weeks old. They were both colicky and being home alone with them and Addison during the day while Justin was at work was really, really hard in the beginning. I was having such a hard day pleasing the babies and finally just broke down into tears. Addison walked over to me and said,
"Don't give up, Mom!"
I know it sounds silly, but that simple comment meant so much to me. It helped me pull it back together and keep on trucking for the sake of this patient, little girl who had every right to cry herself from being put (for lack of a better phrase) "on the backburner" since the twins required just about everything I had to give back then.
I was thinking about this last night when Lucas was having trouble sleeping. His nose was stuffy and his tearduct clogged. I pulled him into our bed to see if I could get him to fall into a deeper sleep and then try plopping him back in his crib. Addison must have heard me because pretty soon I see her blankie flip up over the top of my bed, her little arms following. She hauled herself right up there with us. Normally, she would probably wedge her way in between the baby and I, saying that the baby was ok over there and that she needed to be next to me. Tonight however, when I told her that "Lukey wasn't feeling well" and she gingerly laid down next to him, sweetly kissed his head and then picked up his tiny hand and held it for a while. Then I felt her small hand rubbing my arm and then her tiny voice say,
"You're a good mom"
I looked over and saw her little smile and I tell you what, after a long and tiring day - that was I all needed to hear. What a blessing she is to me.
"Uh huh" she answered.
"What did you dream about?"
"You"
Talk about tugging at those heartstrings! I think most moms agree that these are the little moments we live for. When a compliment comes from a little one, it is on such a deeper level because they are nothing but honest.
For as many crazy funny things as Addison can say, she sure does come up with some amazingly sweet words.
I'll know I'll never ever forget two of these comments (although I hope to never forget any of them). They were both simple words, but they meant so much to me at the times they were spoken. One of them came the day I found out we were expecting twins. Talk about shocker! Sooo many things racing through my mind and at the top of that list was worrying about Addison and whether or not she would feel left out, or if I'd have enough time for her once they arrived. I wasn't voicing any of this, but instead I was sitting on the couch watching Addison play. Out of the blue, she walked over, made direct eye contact with me and said,
"I'm ok, Mom"
She's always been very vocal for her age, but I thought here is this little girl just shy of 2yrs old and out of everyone I had spoken with that day, she was the only one who had made me feel a little more at ease about the situation. God sure does know what we need to hear, when we need to hear it and who we need to hear it from, doesn't He?
The other comment I'll never forget was once the twins had arrived and were 6 weeks old. They were both colicky and being home alone with them and Addison during the day while Justin was at work was really, really hard in the beginning. I was having such a hard day pleasing the babies and finally just broke down into tears. Addison walked over to me and said,
"Don't give up, Mom!"
I know it sounds silly, but that simple comment meant so much to me. It helped me pull it back together and keep on trucking for the sake of this patient, little girl who had every right to cry herself from being put (for lack of a better phrase) "on the backburner" since the twins required just about everything I had to give back then.
I was thinking about this last night when Lucas was having trouble sleeping. His nose was stuffy and his tearduct clogged. I pulled him into our bed to see if I could get him to fall into a deeper sleep and then try plopping him back in his crib. Addison must have heard me because pretty soon I see her blankie flip up over the top of my bed, her little arms following. She hauled herself right up there with us. Normally, she would probably wedge her way in between the baby and I, saying that the baby was ok over there and that she needed to be next to me. Tonight however, when I told her that "Lukey wasn't feeling well" and she gingerly laid down next to him, sweetly kissed his head and then picked up his tiny hand and held it for a while. Then I felt her small hand rubbing my arm and then her tiny voice say,
"You're a good mom"
I looked over and saw her little smile and I tell you what, after a long and tiring day - that was I all needed to hear. What a blessing she is to me.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Seriously?
"Seriously?"
This is a word I tend to mutter very frequently these days. Sometimes in a good way....such as when I drive home from an outing, all three kids fall asleep in the back and by the grace of God I am able to transfer each of them inside and into their beds without too much trouble. Or at times like today, when I realized I was actually able to write three blogs this week - seriously?!
However, on other occasions it isn't shall we say quite as 'positive'.....
Take earlier this week, for example. It had been a crazy day, the house was a disaster, Justin called to say he was working late and I was feeding the twins dinner. They were not pleased with my choice of entree. The food was being dribbled out of their mouths, spit out of their mouths - more or less anything so as to avoid swallowing it. As this was going on, Addison was sitting behind me at the table snacking on a bowl of cereal. I had put it in one of those suction cup bowls. Which by the way, I consider to cause more harm than good for the simple fact that Addison is intrigued by the suction cup feature and proceeds to stick it to the table, then pull it back off, stick it down, pull it off.....etc. Well, this was precisely what she was up to when all of a sudden the suction releases, the ENTIRE bowl of cereal and milk shoot straight into Lucas's face and all down his body, highchair and eventually all over the floor. The look of shock on all three children was priceless and we had a really hard laugh about that one, even the babies. But as I thought about the clean up job, I was thinking ...
"Tonight of all nights. Seriously?!"
This also tends to be my response as all too often I begin nursing one baby, the other one instantly wakes up crying and then Addison chooses that precise moment to need help in the bathroom. "Seriously?!"
Nap time is also pretty comical in our household. I take one baby up to get him settled down, then the other. Without fail, Addison will have some sort of "major crisis" going on downstairs the minute the baby begins to drift off. She screams bloody murder for me to come down (even though I have asked her countless times to just come up quietly and get me...). When I rush down to see what it is, more often than not something equivalent to "My sticker ripped".
"Seriously?!"
Also love the times I spend 24 hrs it seems, getting everyone ready to go out the door and right as I load the boys into their carseats, they both decide it's a good time to poop.
"Seriously?!"
Or the one day I took them all to the park, only to find I had left the double stroller in the garage.
"Seriously?!"
I have to say that even though sometimes I lose it, I try hard to take a deep breath and find humor in these moments. Because I know that all too soon there will come a day when I look back on all of this and say,
"This part of my life is really over? Seriously?"
This is a word I tend to mutter very frequently these days. Sometimes in a good way....such as when I drive home from an outing, all three kids fall asleep in the back and by the grace of God I am able to transfer each of them inside and into their beds without too much trouble. Or at times like today, when I realized I was actually able to write three blogs this week - seriously?!
However, on other occasions it isn't shall we say quite as 'positive'.....
Take earlier this week, for example. It had been a crazy day, the house was a disaster, Justin called to say he was working late and I was feeding the twins dinner. They were not pleased with my choice of entree. The food was being dribbled out of their mouths, spit out of their mouths - more or less anything so as to avoid swallowing it. As this was going on, Addison was sitting behind me at the table snacking on a bowl of cereal. I had put it in one of those suction cup bowls. Which by the way, I consider to cause more harm than good for the simple fact that Addison is intrigued by the suction cup feature and proceeds to stick it to the table, then pull it back off, stick it down, pull it off.....etc. Well, this was precisely what she was up to when all of a sudden the suction releases, the ENTIRE bowl of cereal and milk shoot straight into Lucas's face and all down his body, highchair and eventually all over the floor. The look of shock on all three children was priceless and we had a really hard laugh about that one, even the babies. But as I thought about the clean up job, I was thinking ...
"Tonight of all nights. Seriously?!"
This also tends to be my response as all too often I begin nursing one baby, the other one instantly wakes up crying and then Addison chooses that precise moment to need help in the bathroom. "Seriously?!"
Nap time is also pretty comical in our household. I take one baby up to get him settled down, then the other. Without fail, Addison will have some sort of "major crisis" going on downstairs the minute the baby begins to drift off. She screams bloody murder for me to come down (even though I have asked her countless times to just come up quietly and get me...). When I rush down to see what it is, more often than not something equivalent to "My sticker ripped".
"Seriously?!"
Also love the times I spend 24 hrs it seems, getting everyone ready to go out the door and right as I load the boys into their carseats, they both decide it's a good time to poop.
"Seriously?!"
Or the one day I took them all to the park, only to find I had left the double stroller in the garage.
"Seriously?!"
I have to say that even though sometimes I lose it, I try hard to take a deep breath and find humor in these moments. Because I know that all too soon there will come a day when I look back on all of this and say,
"This part of my life is really over? Seriously?"
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Slack and Hot Tamales
So I was driving to my exercise class, popping hot tamales into my mouth (lovely combination, I know) and thinking about being a parent. I get to exercise two nights a week right now and these nights are my little escapes. My favorite part is actually walking out of the class and into the cool night air. Everything seems quiet and I feel like for the first time that day, I can hear myself think.
My thoughts mostly center around parenting, since that is now my full time job. It is something I want to be great at. I feel like it's one of my main purposes here - to help shape these sweet little creatures that God has blessed me with into wonderful human beings. And with my first baby, I felt as if I was heading down the right path. I could give her all of me whenever I wanted. I did work part time, but was otherwise home and able to cater to her every need, learn who she was inside and out, read her bazillions of books, play on the floor with her as much as I wanted, rock her until she was out cold and hold her a little bit longer "just cause", document every sound, gesture she made, comfort her every time she cried. You get the picture.
Then the twins came along.
As any other mom with more than one child will say "It's so different with the second one". Since number two and number three showed up 5 minutes apart for me, my only experience is to have this feeling somewhat magnified, although I have admittedly not had it any other way. Immediate guilt. Immediate questioning of my ability to parent them as well as I thought I had parented her. I can't hold them enough, I can't rock them as much as I want to, I don't have as much time to watch them, get to know them, comfort them. Nor do I have much time for my first child anymore. Torture. Guilt. Constantly thinking "I thought I'd be good at this, why do I feel so inferior?" My mom probably remembers my phone call one afternoon when the twins were still only about a month old. I more or less sobbed and told her that this was not the kind of mom I had wanted to be. I didn't have enough time for anyone it felt, being home alone with all three. This began my journey in learning how to cut myself some slack.
By slack I don't mean 'neglect' or 'half the effort', I simply mean when you've given something your best and still somehow feel subpar - cut yoursef some slack! For me, a big part of this is just plain being honest with myself and others. I think everyone tends to paint a slightly prettier picture of thier lives than what may really be the case. Then we feel like we need to live up to this fake standard we have somehow set. Just look at the stereotypical American question and surfacy answer "How are you?" "Good! How are you?". "Good!"
Really? Are we always "good"? I'm not. My 3 yr old was the one that didn't feel like sharing her favorite toys at a play date the other day. Bummed me out. Partly because we spend so much time teaching her to share and partly because I have seen her share willingly on other occasions. But then it occurred to me...isn't this sort of the definition of being a 3 yr old? Does it really mean I have done something wrong, failed her in some way? My 9 month old boys still wake up at night. Sure, we've had some good stretches, but introduce colds and teething and good sleep is usually hard to come by. Should I feel like I am a bad parent because of all those people who claim their babies slept through the night at 4 weeks old? (by the way....who are these babies that do this, and why didn't I get one?!). Somedays I honestly don't feel like spending the day changing diapers, playing dolls, watching cartoons, cleaning the house. But I know this doesn't mean I care for my kids any less.
It's true, the phrase "Let go and let God". The second I try to control things in my life is the second everything starts slipping out of my grip. I am learning everyday to give things over to God and allow Him to take my hand and lead my instincts and decisions. Life is just so much better that way. I think that is the only way I will ever achieve being a 'great' parent. We are all only human. We error. We can only do so much before we need Him to pick up our slack. And He will, if you ask Him to.
What does this have to do with hot tamales you ask? Well, it's not a great correlation nor clever end to my blog tonight - just something that made me laugh. So I walk into my exercise class and a woman who takes the class with me walks over and says in a hushed voice "So, I parked next to you today. I noticed the hot tamale box in your passenger seat." She pauses. And then says, "I have some in my car too! I am glad I am not the only one who eats them on the way to exercise!!!". So there you go. Let's be honest with each other and cut ourselves some slack, because chances are - we aren't the only ones eating hot tamales on the way to exercise class :)
My thoughts mostly center around parenting, since that is now my full time job. It is something I want to be great at. I feel like it's one of my main purposes here - to help shape these sweet little creatures that God has blessed me with into wonderful human beings. And with my first baby, I felt as if I was heading down the right path. I could give her all of me whenever I wanted. I did work part time, but was otherwise home and able to cater to her every need, learn who she was inside and out, read her bazillions of books, play on the floor with her as much as I wanted, rock her until she was out cold and hold her a little bit longer "just cause", document every sound, gesture she made, comfort her every time she cried. You get the picture.
Then the twins came along.
As any other mom with more than one child will say "It's so different with the second one". Since number two and number three showed up 5 minutes apart for me, my only experience is to have this feeling somewhat magnified, although I have admittedly not had it any other way. Immediate guilt. Immediate questioning of my ability to parent them as well as I thought I had parented her. I can't hold them enough, I can't rock them as much as I want to, I don't have as much time to watch them, get to know them, comfort them. Nor do I have much time for my first child anymore. Torture. Guilt. Constantly thinking "I thought I'd be good at this, why do I feel so inferior?" My mom probably remembers my phone call one afternoon when the twins were still only about a month old. I more or less sobbed and told her that this was not the kind of mom I had wanted to be. I didn't have enough time for anyone it felt, being home alone with all three. This began my journey in learning how to cut myself some slack.
By slack I don't mean 'neglect' or 'half the effort', I simply mean when you've given something your best and still somehow feel subpar - cut yoursef some slack! For me, a big part of this is just plain being honest with myself and others. I think everyone tends to paint a slightly prettier picture of thier lives than what may really be the case. Then we feel like we need to live up to this fake standard we have somehow set. Just look at the stereotypical American question and surfacy answer "How are you?" "Good! How are you?". "Good!"
Really? Are we always "good"? I'm not. My 3 yr old was the one that didn't feel like sharing her favorite toys at a play date the other day. Bummed me out. Partly because we spend so much time teaching her to share and partly because I have seen her share willingly on other occasions. But then it occurred to me...isn't this sort of the definition of being a 3 yr old? Does it really mean I have done something wrong, failed her in some way? My 9 month old boys still wake up at night. Sure, we've had some good stretches, but introduce colds and teething and good sleep is usually hard to come by. Should I feel like I am a bad parent because of all those people who claim their babies slept through the night at 4 weeks old? (by the way....who are these babies that do this, and why didn't I get one?!). Somedays I honestly don't feel like spending the day changing diapers, playing dolls, watching cartoons, cleaning the house. But I know this doesn't mean I care for my kids any less.
It's true, the phrase "Let go and let God". The second I try to control things in my life is the second everything starts slipping out of my grip. I am learning everyday to give things over to God and allow Him to take my hand and lead my instincts and decisions. Life is just so much better that way. I think that is the only way I will ever achieve being a 'great' parent. We are all only human. We error. We can only do so much before we need Him to pick up our slack. And He will, if you ask Him to.
What does this have to do with hot tamales you ask? Well, it's not a great correlation nor clever end to my blog tonight - just something that made me laugh. So I walk into my exercise class and a woman who takes the class with me walks over and says in a hushed voice "So, I parked next to you today. I noticed the hot tamale box in your passenger seat." She pauses. And then says, "I have some in my car too! I am glad I am not the only one who eats them on the way to exercise!!!". So there you go. Let's be honest with each other and cut ourselves some slack, because chances are - we aren't the only ones eating hot tamales on the way to exercise class :)
Monday, February 13, 2012
my blog....
So I have to apologize in advance for the incomplete homepage and lack of profile, but I figure I can mess with that as I go. I have been wanting to blog for quite some time now and even set this page up (well, began to) back in October of 2011! I decided it is time to use it, even if it is not officially finished :) We will see where it goes.
I don't pretend to be a great writer, but hopefully some of you will find humor in my everyday chaos. One of the main reasons for wanting to do this, was to have a creative outlet in which I can process my thoughts, look back on the day (or week, or month) and smile. Ever since we were blessed with twin boys in addition to our beautiful toddler Addison, our life moves at a frightening pace. I literally have to laugh (even when I sometimes want to cry) that as soon as I get all three down for a nap, run around the house picking up the morning mess and even BEGIN to contemplate something such as brushing my teeth (!) - the first child somehow senses this and is back up again ready to hit the ground sprinting! Our days begin at 5am and I am not really sure they ever end! I've decided the key to surviving three children at these young ages is mental surrender. Just don't expect time to do anything and if somehow the stars align and you are able to drink your coffee before it is ice cold - praise God!! So....short story long :), this blog is my means of logging and remembering the great moments and maybe the not so great ones that I can surely someday look back upon and laugh.
Don't get me wrong, my children are my world and they are wonderful. Of course I am completely bias, but in my mind God knew Addison was a girl who could handle having younger twin brothers. Sure we have our "terrible two (or three)" moments, but all in all she has been my biggest cheerleader since they were born and she loves and cares for her brothers passionately. She is also our comic relief and continues to baffle us with her intelligence. She's my blonde haired, blue-eyed angel. Lucas is "twin A" (born first) and Evan "twin B". They have been so different, right from the start. Though their personalities have flip flopped some in their 9 months of development - they remain quite the dynamic duo and they have only just begun! Lucas we currently call our "fat cat" as he enjoys sitting and eating and well, crawling backwards until he crashes into something as he has not yet mastered crawling in the proper direction. He has a laugh and smile that would melt anyone's heart and thunder thighs to prove his love of food. Evan is our little sneaky troublemaker. He has joyous eyes and a killer smile. Spunk that he keeps under wraps, until he is ready to cause mischief. Tall like his Daddy and full of love. I couldn't have dreamt these three up, Justin and I consider ourselves immensely blessed.
Justin....my husband? Do I have a husband? Oh yes! He is the one I pass by and unfortunately neglect most of the time until all three kids are in bed and we collapse on the couch next to each other to stare at the wall for a few minutes. I'm lucky he puts up with me! He's a wonderful husband and father and we are lucky to have him in our lives.
I don't pretend to be a great writer, but hopefully some of you will find humor in my everyday chaos. One of the main reasons for wanting to do this, was to have a creative outlet in which I can process my thoughts, look back on the day (or week, or month) and smile. Ever since we were blessed with twin boys in addition to our beautiful toddler Addison, our life moves at a frightening pace. I literally have to laugh (even when I sometimes want to cry) that as soon as I get all three down for a nap, run around the house picking up the morning mess and even BEGIN to contemplate something such as brushing my teeth (!) - the first child somehow senses this and is back up again ready to hit the ground sprinting! Our days begin at 5am and I am not really sure they ever end! I've decided the key to surviving three children at these young ages is mental surrender. Just don't expect time to do anything and if somehow the stars align and you are able to drink your coffee before it is ice cold - praise God!! So....short story long :), this blog is my means of logging and remembering the great moments and maybe the not so great ones that I can surely someday look back upon and laugh.
Don't get me wrong, my children are my world and they are wonderful. Of course I am completely bias, but in my mind God knew Addison was a girl who could handle having younger twin brothers. Sure we have our "terrible two (or three)" moments, but all in all she has been my biggest cheerleader since they were born and she loves and cares for her brothers passionately. She is also our comic relief and continues to baffle us with her intelligence. She's my blonde haired, blue-eyed angel. Lucas is "twin A" (born first) and Evan "twin B". They have been so different, right from the start. Though their personalities have flip flopped some in their 9 months of development - they remain quite the dynamic duo and they have only just begun! Lucas we currently call our "fat cat" as he enjoys sitting and eating and well, crawling backwards until he crashes into something as he has not yet mastered crawling in the proper direction. He has a laugh and smile that would melt anyone's heart and thunder thighs to prove his love of food. Evan is our little sneaky troublemaker. He has joyous eyes and a killer smile. Spunk that he keeps under wraps, until he is ready to cause mischief. Tall like his Daddy and full of love. I couldn't have dreamt these three up, Justin and I consider ourselves immensely blessed.
Justin....my husband? Do I have a husband? Oh yes! He is the one I pass by and unfortunately neglect most of the time until all three kids are in bed and we collapse on the couch next to each other to stare at the wall for a few minutes. I'm lucky he puts up with me! He's a wonderful husband and father and we are lucky to have him in our lives.
So that is probably enough in the way of an introduction. I will try to add posts when I can and hopefully my blogs will just contain commentary on the everyday crazy things that go on in our household or have happened in the past...stay tuned!
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