So I was driving to my exercise class, popping hot tamales into my mouth (lovely combination, I know) and thinking about being a parent. I get to exercise two nights a week right now and these nights are my little escapes. My favorite part is actually walking out of the class and into the cool night air. Everything seems quiet and I feel like for the first time that day, I can hear myself think.
My thoughts mostly center around parenting, since that is now my full time job. It is something I want to be great at. I feel like it's one of my main purposes here - to help shape these sweet little creatures that God has blessed me with into wonderful human beings. And with my first baby, I felt as if I was heading down the right path. I could give her all of me whenever I wanted. I did work part time, but was otherwise home and able to cater to her every need, learn who she was inside and out, read her bazillions of books, play on the floor with her as much as I wanted, rock her until she was out cold and hold her a little bit longer "just cause", document every sound, gesture she made, comfort her every time she cried. You get the picture.
Then the twins came along.
As any other mom with more than one child will say "It's so different with the second one". Since number two and number three showed up 5 minutes apart for me, my only experience is to have this feeling somewhat magnified, although I have admittedly not had it any other way. Immediate guilt. Immediate questioning of my ability to parent them as well as I thought I had parented her. I can't hold them enough, I can't rock them as much as I want to, I don't have as much time to watch them, get to know them, comfort them. Nor do I have much time for my first child anymore. Torture. Guilt. Constantly thinking "I thought I'd be good at this, why do I feel so inferior?" My mom probably remembers my phone call one afternoon when the twins were still only about a month old. I more or less sobbed and told her that this was not the kind of mom I had wanted to be. I didn't have enough time for anyone it felt, being home alone with all three. This began my journey in learning how to cut myself some slack.
By slack I don't mean 'neglect' or 'half the effort', I simply mean when you've given something your best and still somehow feel subpar - cut yoursef some slack! For me, a big part of this is just plain being honest with myself and others. I think everyone tends to paint a slightly prettier picture of thier lives than what may really be the case. Then we feel like we need to live up to this fake standard we have somehow set. Just look at the stereotypical American question and surfacy answer "How are you?" "Good! How are you?". "Good!"
Really? Are we always "good"? I'm not. My 3 yr old was the one that didn't feel like sharing her favorite toys at a play date the other day. Bummed me out. Partly because we spend so much time teaching her to share and partly because I have seen her share willingly on other occasions. But then it occurred to me...isn't this sort of the definition of being a 3 yr old? Does it really mean I have done something wrong, failed her in some way? My 9 month old boys still wake up at night. Sure, we've had some good stretches, but introduce colds and teething and good sleep is usually hard to come by. Should I feel like I am a bad parent because of all those people who claim their babies slept through the night at 4 weeks old? (by the way....who are these babies that do this, and why didn't I get one?!). Somedays I honestly don't feel like spending the day changing diapers, playing dolls, watching cartoons, cleaning the house. But I know this doesn't mean I care for my kids any less.
It's true, the phrase "Let go and let God". The second I try to control things in my life is the second everything starts slipping out of my grip. I am learning everyday to give things over to God and allow Him to take my hand and lead my instincts and decisions. Life is just so much better that way. I think that is the only way I will ever achieve being a 'great' parent. We are all only human. We error. We can only do so much before we need Him to pick up our slack. And He will, if you ask Him to.
What does this have to do with hot tamales you ask? Well, it's not a great correlation nor clever end to my blog tonight - just something that made me laugh. So I walk into my exercise class and a woman who takes the class with me walks over and says in a hushed voice "So, I parked next to you today. I noticed the hot tamale box in your passenger seat." She pauses. And then says, "I have some in my car too! I am glad I am not the only one who eats them on the way to exercise!!!". So there you go. Let's be honest with each other and cut ourselves some slack, because chances are - we aren't the only ones eating hot tamales on the way to exercise class :)
Love it Shawn!!!!!!
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