Parenting as a Unit

Parenting as a unit.  It's not what I want to do, but sometimes feel forced into.  As the twins get older I am trying very hard to break out of parenting them as a unit.  It is hard.

I think this whole feeling started growing in me more recently, when we hit the age where the boys now have a stronger preference for things - although really it has been an issue that bothered me all along.  Looking back, it didn't always turn out to be a bad thing, but nonetheless it was still there. 

When they were younger, I would always tell Justin "It would be so much easier if I could just let the baby be "the baby"".  It is so easy (although well meant I know) for someone to say, "just put one of them down and make them wait".  That person has clearly never had infant twins.  To make a 2yr old or older sibling "just wait" is a feasible option.  Sure, they might get upset - but they are old enough to play on their own or even tune into a cartoon if need be.  They can understand the words "just a minute".  They can even understand the concept for the most part, that the baby has certain needs because they are in fact "the baby".  Try telling that to another infant.  At least I can say for my boys, that from the time they were born I could not settle one down if the other one was screaming bloody murder in the bouncy seat on the floor.  I couldn't even nurse one if that was happening, nor put them back to bed in the middle of the night if the other one was upset.  It was all or nothing.  Soothing them both at once was and still is very hard. 

Holding them together to calm them down worked for a very limited amount of time from when they were old enough to be held that way (strong enough necks), yet young enough to not yet be annoyed by the lack of personal space on my lap.  Now my boys are very cuddly and we often still start and end the day with both of them relaxing on my lap at the same time.  I still hold one on each hip at the same time.  They don't mind sharing me if they are in a good mood, but to calm them down that way is a whole different story and just doesn't (and never really did) happen.  I had to find ways to calm them down at the same time.  It almost always meant scrapping their personal preferences and finding some middle ground to just get them to be quiet and then try to work at tending to them from there on out.  No holding the baby the way he specifically liked to be held to soothe him, heck there was not much time for that and it didn't leave any room for the other screaming baby to be held.  That made me sad, but I did what I could during the days I was home alone with all three while Justin worked.  But it almost always felt like it was a jip to the twins.  I parented them as a unit most days.  There were countless times that I went from one crying baby to the next and then back again because when I switched babies the other one got upset all over again!  I always thought - man, if i could just hold them as long as they needed to be - they would be in a better mood and then I could actually put them down.  Instead, it was a juggling act where I went back and forth, trying desperately not to lose my stuff! 

In some aspects it was good. It made them more laid back, more patient and perhaps even better sleepers.  In others it made them all the more upset and "tuned out" if you will during those times of being upset. Holding a cranky baby on your hip as you go about your day because they are just "having a day" for whatever reason is doable with one infant. And I think most moms do that within reason when they need to, sometimes that's what a baby needs. Not really easy to do that with two. Holding your sick baby and giving them extra TLC is doable with one infant. Not so much with two. You do your best and of course they get taken care of, but they get taken care of as a unit. As much as I wanted to think that one would have a hard day and I could give them more of me then and the other one would have a hard day another time where he would get that attention - that hasn't really been the case in our house!  They have teethed together, been sick together, had hard days together.  They feed off of each other.  They are the same age, going through the same struggles.  Yet they respond better to different things and that is where I find it a challenge.  Sometimes even still when I run my errands I think, if I just had one "baby" who was getting impatient and tired of getting juggled from the car seat to the stroller and back again - heck, I could just hold them and run into the store.  The other siblings can walk with me or ride along in the cart.  The baby could be treated like the baby.   Solutions never seem to be that easy with two!

I see this just as strongly now that they are toddlers, because if one toddler throws a tantrum - I can discipline them if I need to, but then I used to always found it helpful to distract afterwards and get them busy with something they enjoyed to take their mind off whatever upset them.  It is extremely hard to do this with both boys.  To take two tantruming toddlers who are probably grabbing at my legs to be held, or laying on the floor crying mad and trying to distract them is almost impossible.  They will fight over the "distraction", since they are already agitated - or they will just fight over me. Take one twin over to a toy they like and the screaming mad other twin will be following behind, ready to spoil everything. Leaving them on the floor to "get over it" is sometimes what I do, but sometimes that just makes them worse.  I have to find something that works for both of them, can't really give each one something they specifically enjoy.  Everything sounds better in theory, so much advice over the last year and a half to just do this with one and let the other wait a second, but man - played out in real life it just doesn't happen that easily.  We still do it, you have to - but it isn't easy.  It's a hard topic to explain without sounding like a complainer and that is not the impression I want to give in this blog. Probably so much easier to understand if you have lived it. 

I have to admit that the times when I can take them on their own to do something (even if it is only to take them to do something inside our house solo with me) it tugs at my heart to see how much they enjoy being paid attention to in a way that is so rare for them.  I need to work this into our routines more.  I've been really good about giving Addison one on one since they arrived, but it is time for them to have some of that as well.  Even if I can't give them lots of one on one (let's be honest, with more than one child who really can?), I am trying very hard to do things with them that they specifically like to do.  Lucas loves to cuddle.  That means a lot to him.  Evan loves to play together.  Pushing trucks side by side or building blocks together means a lot to him.  They are so very different and yet so very much alike.  I hope to nurture each of their individualities and steer away from parenting them as one unit.  My assumption is that it will just naturally get easier to do this as they get older.  I hope so.  I'm just grateful to have the advantage of them truly being best friends, loving each other's company (majority of the time) and being big sweethearts to their older sister who helps me tremendously with them throughout the week. 

Someone told me that around age 7-8, parents of multiples can finally take a breath.  1 1/2 yrs down, 5 1/2 - 61/2 yrs to go!  I think I can.....I think I can....